Stay
by asprosdrakos
Summary: Subaru and Seishirou: reflections from the beginning to the End of the World.


"Stay"  
  
----  
  
A Subaru+Seishirou Song-Fanfiction to the song "Stay" by Lisa Loeb. Spoilers for everything up to and including X16.  
  
---- ----  
  
----  
  
You say I only hear what I want to  
  
----  
  
It's amazing, that you can scream without making a sound.  
  
I'm not talking about the silent screams you made when I broke your arm and your heart, the motions and everything there but the noise: I'm speaking of the subtle silences and tense expanses when I stay there and look at you.  
  
You express yourself in the motion of a shoulder in sleep, the gentle rise and fall. You talk to me in your eyes, in the careful smile that I can sometimes coax out of you, rare now.  
  
I'm not ignoring you. I'm always listening, just not to the words you want me to hear. I'm listening to the words you don't say: the ones I truly need to hear.  
  
I don't trust words: they can deceive and turn on the owner. I deceived you for a year with words. By the end, I was fooling everyone.  
  
Even myself.  
  
----  
  
You say I talk so all the time so  
  
----  
  
I talk because one of us has to, and maybe I'm still naïve enough to believe that if I repeat it enough, you'll listen. You hear me and you watch me, but you don't listen and you don't see.  
  
After Hokuto, after grief, after /everything/, I knew that I would give anything to have you look at me and have you see me. To talk to you and to know that you were listening.  
  
But you didn't. You treated me like a child, and I suppose that I was, even then.  
  
I was what you made me to be.  
  
----  
  
And I thought what I felt was simple  
  
----  
  
Curiosity can do much more than just kill you. Only cats are that lucky.  
  
You were small then, so tiny and perfect. Green eyes were open in bewilderment, and you brushed at the blood on your cheek as if you had never seen the liquid before. Perhaps you hadn't. Perhaps you didn't realize what it was.  
  
With such innocence, such naïveté, can you blame me for thinking you a thing, an object?  
  
Porcelain, white skikifuku on white skin on green eyes. Hands that fluttered wildly, like a bird trapped in a cage, beating at the bars, staining its feathers red. You looked at me inquisitively, without fear.  
  
Your eyes merited a response.  
  
"Do you know why the Sakura blossoms are pink?"  
  
Your answer surprised me. You would be such an interesting doll.  
  
----  
  
And I thought that I don't belong  
  
----  
  
Hokuto was tactful in ways I'm not. For all her bluntness, all her jarring laughter, she connected with people in ways I never could.  
  
Strange, isn't it? That the twin who spends his life helping people isn't the one with the necessary qualities to help people in the first place. Then again, I'm not a twin anymore, and someone threw out all the rules I thought I knew when she died.  
  
She's dead. She's dead and no matter how many times I say it I don't think it's really sunk in yet. The realization is lurking somewhere, a shadow on my mind, waiting to rip and rend and tear.  
  
There's no corpse. We buried emptiness in the broken shape of my sister. And even though I know better, if there's no corpse then she can't be dead, right? She can't be, even though she is.  
  
You ripped out her heart, Sakurazukamori. You killed her and took her, like a discarded doll. /I/ was supposed to be the doll, your toy.  
  
Why did you take her? Why did you leave me?  
  
You took her from me and you took Seishirou-san from me. All you left living was the Sakurazukamori.  
  
I wonder when you'll realize that you've killed me too.  
  
----  
  
And now that I am leaving  
  
----  
  
I'd say that I am sad to be leaving Tokyo; however, I don't feel anything of the sort. Not that's an unusual phenomenon, as I don't think I feel much of anything anymore.  
  
Anymore? No, not anymore, because there never was an anymore to begin with. There never was a point where I felt anything, never a point of joy to feel grief at the loss of. It was pleasant, my stay in Tokyo, the past year, but that is all is was.  
  
I'm sad because I'm leaving a place that was pleasant, a pattern I had grown accustomed to.  
  
But that's not right either, because I'm not sad, or depressed, or gloomy or melancholic or any other of the stupid plethora of emotions that people are burdened with. I tighten my fingers around a cigarette and drive that nothing into my mind.  
  
There is no joy, no sorrow, no pain. Thus, there is no regret.  
  
There is nothing.  
  
----  
  
Now I know that I did something wrong  
  
----  
  
I was asleep, and then I woke up and everything was dead.  
  
Since then, there's been nothing I've wanted more than to go to sleep again. Everything was so bright, so red and raw and sharp, and all I could think of was what used to be.  
  
There are emotions I used to have, and there was a person I used to be, and I don't think either exist anymore. Everything's dead now, and you're both gone.  
  
It's funny, the things I regret and the things I don't. The things I miss.  
  
I miss Nee-san. I miss her so much that it hurts: it feels like I can't breathe, like I can't speak, like I can't feel. I wonder what I did, what sin I committed, to have it hurt so much.  
  
I'm awake and aware but not by choice. I can't ignore the world because if I go to sleep, the memories hit me with greater force then when I'm awake. So I stay up and don't sleep, don't eat, don't do anything but stay awake and miss everything.  
  
Even you.  
  
----  
  
'cause I missed you. Yeah yeah, I missed you  
  
----  
  
It is late when the sound of rain wakes me up, in an area of Japan that is far from Tokyo.  
  
I wonder when you are coming to the clinic, and almost worry that it will be closed when you get there. That wouldn't do, to have the two of you wait outside for me in this weather.  
  
Bicycles rust when left in the rain. Perhaps dolls do too.  
  
I've gotten dressed swiftly, and I reached for my glasses only to find that they were not the clear lenses I had grown used to, but dark sunglasses. It hit me all at once then.  
  
The end of the Bet.  
  
Your sister's death.  
  
Our parting.  
  
I suppose, in truth, that I should say murder. That's really the more accurate noun, and an assassin of my caliber is always accurate. Except when being accurate is being out of control, for any lack of control is utterly inexcusable.  
  
So perhaps I'm not being accurate when I stare out into the rain for the hours of afternoon, thinking of nothing. At least I'm in control.  
  
I'm not thinking of you.  
  
----  
  
You say I only hear what I want to: I don't listen hard,  
  
----  
  
"Subaru-san."  
  
Grandmother's come to see me and I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone and why won't she just go away?  
  
I hear her but that doesn't mean I want to. She's concerned about me, of course. She's always concerned about me, and now she has to make up for the concern Hokuto would have as well.  
  
I want her to go away, but I can't bring myself to care enough to tell her to leave. I have other things to do.  
  
If I listen hard enough, I can almost hear your voices on the breeze.  
  
----  
  
don't pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere  
  
----  
  
You loved everyone, back then. It was your nature, that openhearted personality that your sister sometimes showed.  
  
She guarded hers, though. Hokuto-chan knew the dangers of a heart like that, and held it behind a mask of smiles and laughs. Beneath an armor of pink tutus, colored leotards and sequined capes lay something as raw and red as your own heart.  
  
She couldn't hide it from me, not that she tried. She met me openly and without fear; replacing all her armor with white shikifuku.  
  
White is the color of surrender, but she was hardly yielding.  
  
Hokuto-chan knew where her fight was. You lived by never starting conflict with anyone. You tried to help everyone.  
  
Some people can't be healed. Sometimes you'll hurt yourself by trying.  
  
You held everyone on the same level. By hurting you, I made you place me on a different one.  
  
----  
  
I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no  
  
----  
  
Some part of me always hurts when I send the ghosts of children on. They're only holding onto what semblance of life is left for them. It's not their fault that they died, after all.  
  
They're usually angrier than this girl: sometimes they even wish for the execution of their murderer. This girl is so young, and so whole, despite being dead. There's no hate in her, even when she comes to grasp the fact that she has to go.  
  
And she smiles, and even though I know that her happiness is one born of naïveté, a happiness created because she doesn't know any better, it still makes my heart ache because it's so beautiful.  
  
I smiled like that once.  
  
//People do evil because really, they are lonely//  
  
And then she's gone, a whisper on the wind, a shadow in the gloom, with only her words as her legacy.  
  
I clench my ungloved hands at the words and the memories.  
  
She's wrong.  
  
----  
  
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up  
  
----  
  
I am a connoisseur of screams. Those of pain, those of fear, those of desperate longing. So many different variations. And when they all blend together like this, there is nothing but the white noise of a thousand voices raised in panic.  
  
The voices of those who desperately don't want to die.  
  
I remember your voice, Subaru-kun. It drowns out all the others in my memory, as effectively as your kekkei stops the screams.  
  
You've grown into your role as a Dragon of Heaven, whereas the Sakurazukamori was always a Dragon of Earth. Mirror reflections, even more so now.  
  
These are parts of us that cannot change. They stand, like the oldest trees, against the onrushing wind, and until they day they shatter and fall.  
  
----  
  
And this woman was singing my song:  
  
----  
  
You're just as I remember you.  
  
Not the veterinarian you, not that kind persona, that loving mask. You're just as I remember the real you, the you that I only saw at the end of it all.  
  
That short time was enough for nine years of dreams.  
  
Then again, maybe this is a mask as well. You must have so many: the fool, the magician, the emperor, the hermit. I wonder if you know where your real face lies. Maybe you don't really have one. Maybe you're nothing but masks, layers and layers of illusion.  
  
I want to strip them away. I want to tear and rip and pull until I can look at you and see something /real/.  
  
That's all I want.  
  
----  
  
Lover's in love and the other's run away  
  
----  
  
A interesting trick, Subaru-kun. You're still as cute as always.  
  
But the strength of your spell, for all its ingenuity, is nothing compared to mine. And you won't use the spells I can summon, like this one, which rips through your shield and into your chest.  
  
Your blood is a brilliant crimson on the concrete, and your eyes shine, filled with something that could be hate. Your eyes shown with something different when I broke your arm, but your blood was still as bright.  
  
It's the first time you've looked at me in nine years, and you still look with eyes so clear and yet so clouded.  
  
And until you can look at me with eyes that can see.....  
  
...I'll see you again.  
  
And I let the illusion fragment and blow away on the breeze.  
  
----  
  
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay  
  
----  
  
Leaving again, Seishirou-san? You're always leaving, always when I want you to stay, to listen to what I have to say.  
  
But to do that, you'd have to recognize me as something real, wouldn't you? And you aren't going to do that anytime soon, are you?  
  
I can fling incriminations at you, hurl insults and threats, but that won't bring me any closer to my Wish. If anything, it'll probably distance me from it, as it distances me from you.  
  
If I were sane, I'd recognize that that would be a good thing.  
  
If I were sane, I think I would have given up a long time ago.  
  
----  
  
Some of us hover  
  
----  
  
You have changed from the last time I saw you.  
  
I have seen you in the interim of nine years, of course, but not all that recently. I am busy, after all. You said you've been searching for me for a while, but if that's true, you haven't done a good job looking. That's probably also true.  
  
But there is a maturity about you, an air of tired resignation. You feel it, as I do.  
  
The End of the World. It presses down on you, a relentless tension in the air. You're not fighting it, but I don't think you've accepted it either.  
  
But then again, you always did have a problem accepting things.  
  
I will not follow you when you leave, but I will watch you all the same.  
  
----  
  
When we weep for the other who was dying since the day they were born  
  
----  
  
Bringing Kamui back is tiring. Dealing with the constant company of the rest of the seven seals is even more so. I'm glad I can plead the remnants of exertion and slip out into the night.  
  
I've never shown anyone that, what happened nine years ago. Finally letting another see something that personal shakes me, on some level where I fear to tread. It raises questions I'd rather not answer.  
  
//because he was special?//  
  
Perhaps. Or maybe it's easier to dwell on pain, on the familiar, biting at the wound like an animal, sick and scared.  
  
You used to put animals like that down. As I get off the train and realize I'm at your apartment and not the emptiness of mine, I wonder if you still do.  
  
----  
  
Well, well, this is not that I think that I'm throwing,  
  
----  
  
I manage to get your shirt off, the useless garment fluttering to the floor, before I strike. I place my hand over your heart, as gentle as a lover's touch, and feel its frantic beating, exhilaration with just a hint of fear.  
  
I don't want to stop, and it's rather obvious that you don't want me to either. Still, I have control in all things, even those regarding you.  
  
Especially those regarding you.  
  
"It's a different situation, but still.Hokuto-chan's heart was far calmer than yours is now."  
  
Reminding you of the fact that this is the hand that held your sister's heart is an exquisite way to kill the mood.  
  
"Of course, she didn't have to worry about her heart for long."  
  
I will have control, for without it all my skill is useless. I will have control for my sake.  
  
For your sake as well.  
  
----  
  
but I'm thrown  
  
----  
  
I shouldn't of come and yet I don't regret coming. I can't regret spending time with you - I guess I really am that dependent, after all. Dependent and hopeless and still in love, even though it burns and aches.  
  
Could I fall out of love? I don't know how, but I don't think I'll try.  
  
I didn't know, at sixteen, that love was this painful, but at twenty-five I don't think loving you can be anything but.  
  
Loving you is harsh words spoken with the grace that belittles the contempt in them.  
  
Loving you is a bloodless, lightheaded feeling when the meaning hits.  
  
Loving you is picking up my shirt and stumbling to the door, in a daze I don't want to wake from.  
  
Did Hokuto know that it'd hurt this much? Did she leave me because her heart hurt too much?  
  
I know that's not true, but I can't find an answer worthy of accepting.  
  
----  
  
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure  
  
----  
  
It's been a week, maybe more, and I wonder if I pushed you too far. You're not resilient, not by any means, but you are one of the more stubborn creatures that walk this earth.  
  
Stubborn enough to survive for nine years, to bear up under the weight of duty and honor and grief and love. To stand tall as I remind you of the monster shaped like man that I am. To live marked.  
  
For I am nothing more and nothing less than the Sakurazukamori, Subaru-kun. It is all I can be, the fate that defines what I am.  
  
Our fate is what has come before and what is coming and what will come. It is the river with a current you can't fight, a gravity that pulls you down to earth and breaks your wings should you try to fly.  
  
Perhaps fate is why it was so poetic to watch the birds in the clinic die, those last frantic shudders and wings reaching for the sky. In death, they were as earthbound as I, for I am not nearly as stubborn as you.  
  
----  
  
You try to tell me that I'm clever  
  
----  
  
Some part of me admits that I'm not lonely, that your comments didn't hurt, that I'm past the realm where you can hurt me.  
  
The rest of me knows that's garbage, you hurt me with a glance, with a gesture, with every dismissal flung so casually my way.  
  
I am an idiot to let you keep hurting me.  
  
I am an idiot to get my coat, I am an idiot to walk out this door, and I am an idiot to leave at all. I know what will happen when I get there, what has happened before and what will still happen.  
  
But it's the only thing I know to do.  
  
----  
  
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you  
  
----  
  
"Tell me something. Tell me anything."  
  
Sometimes, I think you talk just to fill my silences. Because one of us has to.  
  
"Just say something, Seishirou-san."  
  
What would you have me say, Subaru-kun? Would you have me tell you to go, to leave?  
  
"I came to see you, Seishirou-san. Do you know how hard that was to do?"  
  
Oh, I can imagine. I can picture every doubt that ran through your head as you came back here. You've been here before, after all, but this is the first time you came since our last, and admittedly rather unpleasant, parting.  
  
"If you want me to leave again, fine. If you don't, fine. But just tell me."  
  
Break your heart to forge you stronger, or let the ruse continue? There are always choices, and always consequences, even if we cannot see them yet. That's fate after all.  
  
Maybe I sealed mine when I opened the door and let you in. But that's allowable.  
  
There's so little time left.  
  
----  
  
You said that I was naive and I thought that I was strong  
  
----  
  
Every time I climb these steps I wonder what I'm doing.  
  
I count them every time I walk up them, you know. Perhaps it's some strange and foreign ritual, the meaning of which even I don't fully understand.  
  
12.and I wonder if I can turn back. I haven't gone that far, you probably haven't even picked up my presence here. If I leave now, you'll never now I even came.  
  
33.and who am I kidding? You knew I was here the moment I walked though the door. You always watch your prey, don't you, Sakurazukamori?  
  
68.and there's only one more flight, and I know when I climb these last stairs and knock on that apartment door you'll be waiting for me and I won't leave until the morning. I wonder sometimes, if you're counting the steps too, Seishirou-san.  
  
You must think me deranged to come here time and time again, even if it amuses you, and I know it does. You don't know though, what it takes to climb those steps.  
  
The pull of gravity has never been so strong before.  
  
I'd be afraid of falling, but I think I already fell.  
  
----  
  
I thought, hey, I can leave,  
  
----  
  
I watch you, when you sleep.  
  
I'm always watching you, of course, but it's rare that I get to admire you from so close a distance. Some part of me wonders at how naïve you still are, to sleep like this, held close by your greatest enemy.  
  
Opposite.  
  
Twin Star.  
  
You're beautiful when you sleep, Subaru-kun. I don't think I ever told you; it never came up in casual conversation, after all. But you're beautiful when you sleep, despite or perhaps because of the bandage you wear. You look damaged but so peaceful, as if every worry you every had is erased.  
  
You look sixteen again, and naïve, and beautiful, and that one thought confirms all my resolve.  
  
You don't wake as I leave the bed, nor do you stir as I get dressed. I trust you'll be able to let yourself out, Subaru-kun, and I glance at you in passing as I leave.  
  
I'll see you tonight.  
  
One last time.  
  
----  
  
I can leave. Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you  
  
----  
  
You've already left when I wake up. That's okay. I think I expected you to.  
  
I should go as well. It's getting late, and the others will worry, if they haven't already figured out where it is I go sometimes in those unaccounted spans.  
  
I think Kamui knows. I hope he understands me well enough to know why, and to know that I'm sorry for hurting him.  
  
I'm sorry for so many things, including the fact that it takes me several minutes to pull myself away from the sheets that are covered in your smell. When I do manage to pull away, it doesn't help much. The entire room feels like you.  
  
And unbidden, the memory of before returns to me as a pull on my clothes: the memory of rustling sheets and fumbling touches in the dark.  
  
----  
  
Yeah, I miss you  
  
----  
  
There are certainties in life.  
  
I know you will come.  
  
I know I will die.  
  
These are my certainties, my absolutes. They are irrevocable and binding, a contract that I don't recall entering but am tied to all the same. I have other certainties, of course.  
  
Only one of us can walk away today.  
  
And it will be you.  
  
----  
  
You said you caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let you go  
  
----  
  
It will end today.  
  
I do not know how it will end, but I can hope for the outcome. I can hope for my Wish.  
  
But today, for good or for ill, it will end. It's been a decade in building, this structure that is the two of use, and it's time to bring it down.  
  
I never thought I'd walked so calmly into my own death. But you've changed me. I'm no longer what I was and there's so many years of change that caused it. The year of the bet, the nine long years of interim, and these months of battle and a strange content.  
  
You caused it all.  
  
And I'm going to give myself to you now, the creature that you changed into something so terrible and strange.  
  
And perhaps, when this is over, I'll be someone that meant something to you.  
  
----  
  
You try to give away a keeper,  
  
----  
  
You fight well, but you're not fighting to kill me. The Ofuda you throw miss their mark. Your spells lack power, even though you resort to blood magic to remove yourself from my entanglements.  
  
The backlash from that surprises me. I really wouldn't have thought you had blood magic in you.  
  
But it's not directed at me, only used in blind desperation. Even now, after all I've done to you, you can't kill me. You haven't changed enough, despite all my efforts, despite Hokuto-  
  
//but if you try to kill Subaru in the same way that you have killed me//  
  
- I almost smile, in the middle of battle, at that memory. I wonder if she knew, although I'm sure she wished for a better way than this.  
  
But Hokuto-chan always was an optimist, and this is the best ending I can wish for.  
  
It's time to go.  
  
----  
  
Or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose  
  
----  
  
Don't go.  
  
I'd beg you, but I don't think you'd listen. I'd give you my life, but I don't think you'd take it. I'd give you my love, but I've already given it to you.  
  
I don't have anything to give you, Seishirou-san, and I'm scared because you're leaving and you're all I have.  
  
My "special" person, my wish.you were both. And you'll take them both and you'll take yourself and please, don't leave me. I'm not strong enough - there's not enough good in me to stand being alone.  
  
I don't want this. I never wanted this, even when the rage made me think I hated you. And perhaps I did hate you, when you left me alone. But I don't want this.  
  
This is hitting the ground after falling for nine years. This is surviving because everything else broke to save you.  
  
I think I would rather have broken. Because.at least.  
  
//at least it would have been you.//  
  
Please, Seishirou-san, please.  
  
Don't go.  
  
----  
  
And you say, "Stay."  
  
----  
  
Dimly, I can feel water on my cheek, and I hope it's raining, because I don't want you to cry for me. This was my wish.  
  
If you realize nothing from all this, Subaru-kun, if you understand nothing about what I have done, I want you to know this:  
  
There's a difference between what I want to do and what I have to do. And it's never been this wide. Leaving is painful, is sorrowful, because of the joy I'm leaving behind. There were good moments, bad moments, everything in between.  
  
Is this what life is?  
  
Is that what life was? Strange to feel this now, at the threshold of death, when everything is slipping away.  
  
Stop crying, Subaru-kun. Don't cloud eyes that are finally clear. It's alright. I'm leaving again, and I'm sorry that I'm leaving, but it's alright because I am sorry; because now there's something there, something I've never felt before.  
  
It's regret. Amidst the joy and the sorrow and quiet tremblings of what might be fear, there is regret.  
  
I regret, and it's the one of the most beautiful things I've ever felt.  
  
It's almost as beautiful as you.  
  
----  
  
You say I only hear what I want to  
  
---- ---- ----  
  
Author's Notes: Angst, even in sap. I'm not sure if Seishirou becomes a bit weird, but bah. My head hurts from having them both in there for so long.  
  
The excessive ellipse dots are an attempt to make this work with Fanfiction.net formatting problems. As is the funky song formatting. If the net glumps it all together, I tried, I'm sorry.  
  
There's a lot I could write about this fic, but it'd be long and rambly. If anyone actually wants to know, by all means, AIM/email me and I'll be happy to bore you to death.  
  
The fact that I'm posting it at all is all because of RackhamRose, because she told me to finish it. I'd probably still be obsessing over word placement. So many thanks. *bows*  
  
Lyrics to "Stay" by Lisa Loeb  
  
You say I only hear what I want to  
  
You say I talk so all the time  
  
And now that I am leaving  
  
Now I know that I did something wrong  
  
'cause I missed you  
  
Yeah yeah, I missed you  
  
You say I only hear what I want to:  
  
I don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running  
  
To anyone, anywhere  
  
I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no  
  
So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up  
  
And this woman was singing my song:  
  
Lover's in love and the other's run away  
  
Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay  
  
Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was  
  
Dying since the day they were born  
  
Well, well, this is not that  
  
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown  
  
And I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure  
  
You try to tell me that I'm clever  
  
But that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you  
  
You said that I was naive and I thought that I was strong  
  
I thought, hey, I can leave, I can leave.  
  
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you  
  
Yeah, I miss you  
  
  
  
You said you caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go  
  
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me  
  
'Cause you know you're just scared to lose  
  
And you say, "Stay."  
  
You say I only hear what I want to 


End file.
